A Change...

Do you ever feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off your shoulders? That's the way I feel right now. I just called my doctor and canceled my appointment for my baseline ultrasound. After much thought and prayers, and going back and forth, we have decided to take a break from trying to get pregnant.

The past few weeks have been incredibly emotional for me. I have put so much stress on myself about getting pregnant. Every month when we get a negative, I feel like I have failed. I have not done what I'm supposed to do in order for us to conceive. TTC has gone from a fun experience that I was excited about sharing with my husband to something that I dread. I think I hit rock bottom the other night when Ben told me he felt like I only wanted him because I wanted to get pregnant. Really? Wow!

I was worried that I would spend the whole month regretting the decision not to take any medical action. But the second I hung up the phone, I felt relieved. I just need to make it through the last 5 weeks of school and then I can think about trying to have a baby. I need to take a step back and breathe for just a little bit. Trying to have a baby has consumed my entire life. I have cried more in the last month that I have in the last 5 years of my life. I just can't handle it anymore. And I don't think my marriage could either.  Ben is amazing and was supportive with any decision I made, but I think he is happy that we are taking a break too.

I feel like I have FINALLY truly realized that I am not going to get pregnant until God wants me to. I can relax and enjoy all the babies that are around me without constantly thinking, when is it going to be me being pregnant? Me in the hospital? My baby they are holding? I am going to take this month and enjoy my life for what it is right now. Ben and I are going to Talladega this weekend. We may be going to be the beach in May. We're just going to enjoy being with each other!