So, what's up with me??
While it's been a busy summer, in some aspects, it's also been a really good summer! Ben and I have gone to several concerts.
We went to Tannehill (an Alabama state park) last weekend and saw so many deer.
While most of the summer was good, it wasn't a good summer when it comes to getting pregnant. We had a rough spring. It seemed when my body was doing what it was supposed to, the doctor wasn't available. And then when I needed my body to do certain things, it wouldn't work. So basically in March, I was told our best option was to have an IUI. I didn't have another cycle until May, and by that time I couldn't miss school. So lucky me, I had to wait. Finally, June rolls around and I start another cycle. I went back to the doctor and everything looked like it was supposed to. I was given a prescription for clomid, bravelle injections, and an hcg trigger shot. Clomid is known for it's crazy side effects. I have pretty much had them all: weight gain, mood swings, headaches, hot flashes. Luckily, this time it was basically the hot flashes that got me. Hot flashes in the summer are ROUGH!!! You can't get cool no matter what you do. I may or may not have tried to get in my refrigerator at one point! The injections were another thing I was worried about. It has never worked out that I actually had to give myself injections. So I was scared to death! I spent hours (literally) on youtube watching videos on how to mix the injections and how to give them to myself. I have no idea why people would want to video themselves giving themselves an injection but I'm glad they did. I knew exactly how to do it. The needle was tiny, so it ended up not being bad at all!! I ended up bruising 2 of the days but other than that, it was fine! After my third ultrasound, the nurse said I was ready for the trigger shot and we were going to do the IUI the next day.
So Friday, July 12, Ben and I went to have the IUI done. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. The nurse said everything looked great on mine and Ben's end. The nurse made us feel so comfortable with everything. We were laughing through the whole procedure. I just knew this was our month!
I woke up spotting last Thursday and just knew there was no need to test, we weren't pregnant. I was devastated. But I had lunch with school friends, so I had to put on a happy face and go about my day. I lost it on the way home from lunch. My heart was broken! Not only did I have to deal with the emotions of not being pregnant but now I had to tell everyone that we weren't. I felt like I told a million people that we had done the IUI but I kept getting text messages all day Thursday and Friday from people asking how I was feeling. I gave them the same response - "Unfortunately we aren't pregnant. Maybe next month will be our month." The whole time I just wanted to scream!! Why?? Why does it have to be so hard? What am I doing wrong?? What I am not doing that I should be doing?? Friday, I stayed in bed all day and basically had a pity party. I just needed a day to be upset. On top of not being pregnant, I called my doctor to make a follow-up visit. Apparently, I was supposed to make one at the beginning of the cycle. WHAT? I wasn't aware of that! So now the earliest the doctor can see me is Aug. 13th! I started crying like a crazy person while I was on the phone with them! I was so disappointed.
So... now that I have had a couple of days to digest the fact that we aren't pregnant, I'm okay with everything. I was nervous about being pregnant at the beginning of school. Now I won't have to deal with that. I am also okay with the fact that I can't see the doctor until the middle of August. After talking with them again, I realized the doctor isn't taking appointments for the next two weeks. So even if I had of made the follow-up appointment when I was supposed to, I still couldn't do another IUI this month. Plus, we got pregnant with Parker and Noah on our own. No medicine, no doctor appointments, just us on our own! So it can happen!
I love Ben. While I was in the middle of my pity party, I was venting to him about not being pregnant. He let me go on and on about how I felt but didn't say anything. Finally I stopped talking long enough for him to say, "You don't think God knows what he's doing??" Of course, I know that God knows exactly what he is doing. It's just sometimes it takes me a few minutes to remember it. So whenever I start to get upset again about the way this is all going I just remind myself that He knows what He is doing!! And I trust him.
"Turn me away from wanting any other plan than your. Revive my heart toward you." Psalm 119:37 (Living)
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