Noah

I've sat down a million times to write this post. I want this story on my blog, but I don't know how to write it, where to start, or how much information I really want out there. Last week was difficult because one year ago we lost Parker. Today is three months since we lost Noah. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dream. It doesn't seem like it's real that my life is what it is right now. But the thing that surprises me the most, even though it really shouldn't, is how often God shows up in my weakest moments. It seems like just when I start having a pity party for myself, God reminds me that His plan for all of this is a good one. Last Sunday morning I was kicking myself for not getting up and going to church. But Ben wasn't home and I didn't want to go alone. I turned on the TV and a local church's service was on. I started listening and it was talking about what to do during a storm. I ended up rewinding the service, to start at the beginning. It was an awesome message! Now, I think I still should have gone to my church but hearing this message was exactly what I needed. I ended up getting a notebook and taking FOUR pages of notes! FOUR!! It was seriously that good! One of the things the pastor said was that the scars from my storm remind me that life is difficult, but GOD is FAITHFUL! It is my prayer that I always remember how faithful God has been to me. That no matter how big my storm is and no matter how much I feel like I am drowning, that I remember that he formed me and created me. I am his! Nothing takes him by surprise and there is nothing that he can't handle.

So having said all of that.... Here is Noah's story.

My pregnancy with Noah was a lot different than my pregnancy with Parker. I feel like I worried a lot with Noah. I didn't want to buy things, I didn't want to set a date for my baby shower. I didn't want to start looking at things for the nursery, and I didn't want to think about names. I was scared to death something was going to happen to this baby too! To be 100% honest, the saying "the third times a charm" kept coming up in different places. Instead of just brushing it off, I took that to mean that something was going to happen with this pregnancy but our next one would be okay. Even though I thought that something could happen, I prayed so hard that it wouldn't. I really didn't know how I would survive.

Father's Day started off as a normal day. Ben and I got up and went to church. We hadn't been to our church in a couple of weeks because we had been out of town so I was excited to be able to go. But wouldn't you know that the one weekend we are home and can make it to church, I wake up sick. I got ready slowly but I was so sick. I was really thankful not to have many sick days during my pregnancy with Noah. Once I was finally ready, we left for church. I made Ben stop at the gas station and get me a coke even though we were late, thinking that may calm my stomach. Thankfully, the morning sickness eased during church. I remember standing during worship praying for Ben. I was worried about him. Mother's Day was so hard for me! I didn't know where I fit in. I considered myself a mom but my baby was in Heaven. Do I stand up with the other moms? I ended up just sitting there, and I felt like everyone was starring at me!It was such a hard service to sit through. I was praying that Ben wasn't feeling the same emotions I was during the Father's Day service, even though he would never had admitted it if he was. I also remember thanking God for giving us this baby. I was so excited to see Ben with our little baby.

After church we went to his parents house to eat lunch. Even though I wasn't really feeling sick anymore, I didn't have much of an appetite. After we ate, we all ended up taking naps. A couple of hot flashes later, I was over taking a nap! I was laying there watching TV with Ben in my lap, when suddenly my stomach started hurting really bad. It almost felt like something had popped. It hurt for a few seconds and then stopped so I didn't think very much of it. About thirty minutes to an hour later, I was standing in the pantry looking for a snack when I suddenly felt like I was going to pee in my pants. I ran to the bathroom and nothing happened! Like couldn't have gone to the bathroom if you had given me a million dollars! That ended up happening a few more times before I convinced Ben we needed to go home. I could tell something wasn't right and I really just wanted to be at home.

By this time, I was starving! It was around 2:30 or so and we were planning on eating dinner with Ben's grandparents later so I didn't want to eat too much. Ben ended up swinging by Taco Bell on our way home. While we were sitting in the drive through my stomach started hurting again. The pain was feeling more and more like contractions. I started crying because I just knew it was all happening again.

Over the next few hours, the pain went from having what felt like contractions to having the urge to use the bathroom. I called the nurse line and told the nurse everything. I told her my history and how bad the pain was. She ended up telling me that I was more than likely getting a bladder infection and I should just take some Tylenol for the pain and drink 20 ounces of water every hour and call the doctor in the morning. The one and only thing I regret during this whole thing was to not get in the car and go to the hospital then. I knew I should have gone, but I listened to the nurse, took the medicine, and started drinking water. We ended up having to cancelling our dinner plans and I stayed in bed. It was a long night! The pain ended up getting some what better, but since I had been drinking so much water, I was up using the bathroom every hour!

I was up when Ben headed to work and to be honest the hour and a half from 6:30 (when he left) to 8:00 (when the doctor opened) was miserable! I finally talked to a nurse and she said to come on in. Ben made it back home super quick. While waiting on him, I tried to pack a bag because I knew we'd be staying. But the  more I walked around, the more I felt like I needed to push. When he got home, he was putting up the dogs and getting ready to leave when I suddenly felt like pushing really bad. Long story short, I ended up partially delivering the bag of waters. I honestly had no idea that there was a bag of water. I'm still not sure I truly understand everything that went on. I ended up calling an ambulance. That whole experience was a tab bit awkward.

I was barely in my room good before my doctor was in my room to check on him. He was just as upset as we were. He checked me out and ordered an ultrasound. Once we got the ultrasound, we would make a plan as to what we wanted to do. The ultrasound dept. didn’t take very long to get to the room. Two ladies came in and started the US quickly. I pretty much knew as soon as I saw the screen that there wasn’t a heartbeat. The ultrasound looked differently than it had all the other times. I could see the parts of the heart, that are normally pumping and they weren’t moving. When they put the lines on the screen and measure between them to find the heart rate, there weren’t any lines. The ladies seemed very quiet about everything. One of the US techs stepped out of the room with my nurse. She came back in to confirm that there were no heart tones. When the US ladies left, our nurse prayed with us. It was definitely surreal that it was all happening again.

After we learned that the baby had not survived, I just wanted to get the birth over with. It was really uncomfortable having the bag of water in the position it was and I just wanted it to be over. Tammy, my nurse, asked if I had an epidural last time. I told her I hadn’t, but that I wanted one this time! She ordered one quickly so that I wouldn’t be in much pain. It didn't take long to get the epidural and for it to take effect. It was so funny to me because as soon as I went numb I started shivering like crazy! At first, it was just my legs but soon it was my whole body. They turned it up to 80 degrees in my room and I had about 3 warm blankets on me to help the shivering. 

This go around labor was much easier. My nurse stayed in the room with me for the majority of the time. I wasn't feeling any contractions but I could feel the pressure. Since I didn't have to go all the way to a 10, I delivered my precious baby boy within a few hours. Soon after I delivered, Dr. H came in to check on me and Noah. He said that everything seemed to be okay. Dr. H said that there could have been some sort of chromosomal disorder, but it was hard to tell.   

Ben and I were able to spend some time with our precious baby boy. We decided to name him Noah David. He has the same middle name as his brother. It was neat to compare Noah and Parker. I kept thinking how normally people would do that and soon the big brother or big sister would get to meet the baby. It’s hard to believe that we have two babies in Heaven.

After Ben and I spent time with Noah, our nurse took him so she could check his measurements and take pictures of him. We pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon with our families. We had several people from our church and several friends come by to pray with us. After everyone left, I was able to get up and get in the shower and bathe. It felt so good to get a shower. Ben slept pretty good that night. I slept pretty good until about 4 or so. I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I just layed there thinking about the situation we were in again. How much it sucked! How much I would give anything to be anywhere but where we were! I cried and cried. I tried to get myself back to sleep but soon everyone started making their rounds. The lab tech comes in at 5:00. The on-call doctor came in at about 6:15. And Dr. H came back in at about 6:30 to check on us.

By 7 or so we were up and awake. Our night nurse came in and gave me my last bit of medicine on her watch. I got breakfast about 7:30 or so and gobbled it up! Our new nurse came in and introduced herself to us as our “fake nurse”. Our actual nurse was in a class and wouldn’t be by until later. I was able to get up and get a shower and feel all clean.

We had a lot of people come in to visit from the hospital. The head nurse came in to check on us. She heard that we had been having trouble getting in touch with the people at the place where Parker is. She said she had talked to the lady in charge and she promised that we wouldn’t have that problem with Noah. The chaplin also came in to pray with us and give us a certificate for Noah. We were finally able to go home around 2:00.

We weren't at the hospital near as long as we were with Parker. With Parker, I really didn't want to leave, but with Noah, I was ready to get home! Once again, my family and friends have been awesome! It's been almost three months since we lost Noah. There are still many days that I just want to stayed curled up in bed.But we've made it.

Right now we are still in the process of waiting on test results. Dr. H sent my placenta off to test it for genetic disorders and a bunch of other things. I think my results are probably in, but I found out last week that my doctor opened his own practice. He was planning on working out his notice but his old practice told him it would be better to go ahead and cut ties. He wasn't planning on this so he and his new partner have had to scramble to get things ready to see patients. I sent my medical release form over last week. I am planning on calling sometime this week or the beginning of next week to see if we can get the results. Once we get those results we can move forward, which I'm ready to do.