Supposed to be...

Today is supposed to be my baby shower.

I'm supposed to be preparing for the arrival of my newborn.

I'm supposed to be big and pregnant when I see my family this Christmas. 

I'm supposed to be talking to Ben about Christmas traditions we want to start with our family. 

My 2011 Christmas ornament is supposed to be one celebrating my pregnancy. 

I'm supposed to be monogramming sweet little onesies and blankets and everything else I can get my hands on for my baby.

These thoughts run through my head on an almost daily basis. What I'm supposed to be doing and how I'm supposed to be feeling. But just as soon as I think them, I am reminded that I AM right where I am supposed to be. Even though, this wasn't my plan, God's plan is so much bigger. He doesn't make mistakes and he has a reason for me being right here right now. It's not easy, but He never promised it would be. He did promise that he would be right here when we needed him. And He has been. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and upset that I'm not where I think I should be, I am focusing on God and where he wants me to be. I'm learning as much as I can from this season in life. I hope to look back on this time and realize how much stronger I am because of losing Parker. And one day when I get pregnant again, I will appreciate that pregnancy and future baby so much more because of what I am going through now.

Our youth pastor at church is currently working as our music pastor until our church finds another one. He is amazing. He recently wrote a song about waiting on the Lord. I heard it a few times while I was pregnant with Parker and fell in love with it. It perfectly summed up what I felt while waiting to get pregnant. The first time I heard it after losing Parker, I lost it. In the middle of church I was crying like a baby. The lyrics are perfect for anyone in a "waiting" season of life.

I’m waiting on you to cut through the dark

I’m waiting on you to speak to my heart

All this waiting is hard for my soul

I’m waiting on you to open my eyes

To see things the way you see my life

Seems your saying this is good for my soul

I’m waiting on you to make sense of these

Misplaced pieces and long stalled dreams

All this waiting is hard for my soul

I’m waiting on you to take this from me

I thought you said that I’d find the strength

You must be saying this is good for my soul

So I trust in the promise that steadies my hope

You never forsake or leave me alone

I’ll trust in the promise for those in the fight

That joy comes after the darkest of nights

Mostly I trust because I’ve been here before,

You broke through the silence and shouted you love when I waited

On the copy of the song that I have, our pastor reminds us that the reason God has us in the season of waiting is to learn to trust him. He reminds us that we must remember that everything in our life is sifted through his hands. God has a plan and it is much bigger and better than the plan we have. We can only see right here and right now but God can see the big picture. He has a life of purpose and fulfillment in store for us. But in order to get where he wants us to be we have to go the way he wants us to go. So you have to make the decision to trust him. Lord, I trust you.


My heart has been absolutely breaking for the Duggar family. You can think what you want about the amount of children they have and if they should have more. But it's not our place to judge. They are doing what they feel they have been called to do. They are trusting in the Lord. My heart knows all too well exactly the pain they are in right now. And I'm so heartbroken for them. They had a ceremony for their baby and at it Michelle Duggar played a recording of a letter she wrote to her daughter. I have written to Parker just like this many times. It sums up exactly what Ben and I have felt over the last three months. Go here to listen to it. It's good.