Emotions....

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 

I have so many things running through my head. I've sat down a million times to get it all out but I haven't found the words. Blogging is weird. For me personally, I find it hard to sit down and just spill everything out. I don't want my friends and family to worry that I'm not okay, but at the same time I don't want the people who only know my through the blogging world to think that I'm doing okay with everything. One of the main reasons that I haven't blogged a lot it that I don't want pity from people. I hate feeling like I'm falling apart all the time. I hate that awkward feeling when people don't know what to say or how to act. However, one of the things that helped me the most when we lost Parker was reading blogs of people who had gone through everything we had gone through. When we lost Noah, I read blogs again, but I also went back and read posts that I had written about Parker. Some posted and some not. It's comforting this go around knowing that I went through these same feelings after loosing Parker. It makes me feel somewhat normal. 

I've felt like an emotional wreck lately to be honest. One moment, I'm fine. But the next I'm screaming or crying. I feel bad for Ben because he gets the most of it. I try to remind myself that he is grieving too and we grieve in different ways. He tends to bottle up his emotions and not want to talk about things. I want him to talk about it or at least let me know that he gets sad or thinks about things every now and then. Sometimes, I feel like he's going on with his life and I'm stuck here and can't get past this. 


Most days are okay, but then something takes me by surprise. Last week I was checking blogs and one of the blogs I follow announced she was pregnant and one blogger had a baby boy and named him Noah. After reading those two blogs, I just had to walk away from the computer. I walked into the kitchen to do the dishes and Parker and Noah's hand print/foot print things were on the table. Just another reminder that my babies aren't here. I can look at their pictures and I can go through the things in their tiny little boxes but I can't hold them. I can't kiss them. I won't get the chance to watch them grow and play with their cousins. I went and worked in my classroom today. I was looking for a list that I made at the end of the school year for an Office Depot order I need to make. I didn't find it but I did find my end of the year to-do list and my summer to-do list for the house. Most of the things on there haven't been done because they all had to do with the nursery. It stung a little bit seeing that list. 


My relationship with God has changed so much over the last few years, especially in the last 10 months. In 24 hours, I went from standing in church thanking God for giving us another baby, thanking God that Ben was going to be the father of my kiddos, to seeing my baby on an ultrasound screen with no heartbeat. My world was basically turned upside down. I've questioned a bunch during the last 6 weeks, but one thing I will never question is the love God has for me. I don't believe that he made this happened, but I know that he will use it for His glory. We don't know why bad things happen, but I know that he can see the big picture of things. I pray that one day I will be able to hold my baby and rock them to sleep. Ben and I went to our neighborhood pool tonight, and when we were leaving I was looking around at everything. Our neighborhood is perfect for kids. I told Ben that I hoped that one day I could bring our little kids down to the playground and then take them swimming.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3